Best Foot Forward? Maybe Not…

So, I had one of those awkward “firsts” on Friday: My first date.

That is,my first date…since being married…with someone other than my wife, SepiaQueen.

Admittedly, the awkwardness was mostly on my part. SepiaQueen was pretty excited that I was going to be seeing someone so soon into this polyamory lifestyle change, even if it was only for coffee. I myself, having not exactly been Mr. Suave when I was previously in the dating world, was more unsettled.

Still, I have more confidence in my early 40s than I ever did in my 20s (or teens, for that matter), and more flair and panache (a hipper style of nerd), so I wasn’t going in anxiety-ridden. As it turns out, though, I had reason to expect some awkwardness, though it really wasn’t from my end.

That was a surprise.

And more than that, it was a lesson in putting one’s best foot forward, so I have a few suggestions to make…

Please Gild the Lily

Look, I don’t expect a woman to get all dolled up for a first meeting over coffee. Nor a man to get all decked out in his finery and manscape himself all to hell. However, a little primping is in order, particularly if you aren’t some natural stunner and have looked at my wife’s profile on OK Cupid after messaging me for a while and know that she is pretty attractive. I mean, seriously, if I have a really cute wife at home, simply being polyamorous doesn’t mean I’m looking for any and every available person to have a fling with.

I put on some nice clothes, I paid special attention to extra oral hygiene, and I shaved and trimmed my visible parts. While you weren’t dressed frumpily, you could have put on something that says just a tad more “I’m interested in making a positive first impression” or perhaps put on just a smidge of makeup…maybe some lipgloss or just a hint of eyeliner or something?

And the scab right under your nose? And the slightly less fresh one on the other side of your face just a bit lower? And the almost healed one on your chin? Not the most appealing things to be faced with over more than an hour of talking. Not awful, but certainly distracting, and it makes me wonder…

…Which brings me to my next tip.

Acknowledge and Defuse

Shortly after we sat down, I said, “If I appear to be winking at you salaciously, don’t fret too much about it. I’ve had an eye twitch all day thanks to too little sleep last night and too much caffeine today to compensate. Actually, come to think of it, I not only failed to master winking as a boy but also wolf whistles and spitting, so my testosterone card will probably be taken away eventually.”

It lightened the mood and help head off any questions about why my eye might be doing crazy things in your direction and also gave you a little quick insight into what kind of guy I am.

And this brings me back to those scabs…

I understand that things happen. You may not always have scabs on your face, and I’m trying to remember that. But surely you noticed them in the mirror that morning? Perhaps saying, “I’m going through puberty again lately, but I’m sure it won’t last. So disregard the remains of my zits.” or “My son has been playing a bit rough in protesting bedtime lately, so I apologize for the fact my face is still healing a bit.”

I’m not a really judgmental or superficial person. Really, SepiaQueen can tell you that many times, I’m way more generous in how I’ll rank women (when pressed to do so) than she is. But I’m just saying that if I had that many marks on my face and I was going out on a first date, I’d be buying a little bit of concealer from the makeup aisle at Target, even if I am a guy.

Talking Is Good, But…

I like a date who talks. I really do. I’m great at listening. I’m also better in conversation if I have something I can play off or, respond to or be inspired by than I am if I have to carry the conversation. But sometimes, it’s better to zip the lips than to keep talking. Now, in many ways, you did great on the date. I noticed that while you mentioned your young son on several occasions, you never mentioned him by name (I still only know your first name, so you gets high points for discretion). Likewise, I never mentioned my daughter’s name.

I also made a point of not bringing up my wife much, and never mentioned her by name either at those times I did mention her. Now, this isn’t about hiding anything. For God’s sake, we mentioned our kids during the date. You know I’m married and that my wife knows I’m on a date. But still, I figure it’s not great form for me to bring up my wife a lot. This meeting is presumably about getting to the point of figuring out if there is any potential for spark between us, not talking about my marriage and your boyfriend (and father of your child).

And yet I now not only know his name, since you used it so often, but I know probably about half as much about him now as I do about you. The fact I know he exists is mostly enough, particularly since you’ve mentioned that he’s not thrilled with you seeing other people, even though he also doesn’t seem thrilled in trying to work on what’s wrong in your relationship (not that you seem entirely clear about what’s missing, either, except for better sex, which is a red flag for me already; SepiaQueen and I have been really thorough in figuring out what we needed before we started looking for other people to get involved with).

But now I know that you and he met because he was the guy you bought pot from. And that he has no real sense of ambition and a job delivering stuff at night for cash under the table. And the fact that he seems to be way more vanilla than you in the bedroom even though part of the reason you guys hooked up is because of the wild sex you had. And the fact that he’s proposed to you three times even though neither of you believes in marriage. And the fact that when he’s alone in the house, he smokes everywhere in it even though you keep your own smoking outside for the sake of your son. And the fact he caught you having flirty and sexy text-chats with a guy in England you have a crush on and who likes women to beat him up, which is something you’d have no problem doing and which makes your boyfriend cringe, as well as making him worry you’ll fly across the Atlantic to be with that guy. And…

*Phew* Enough of that. I’ve made my point.

I’m not even sure I want to date you or have sex with you yet, so please let’s leave out the most arousal-killing thing possible: Mention of the fact you remain attached to someone who’s not down with what you’re doing and whom you seem to lack the gumption to just kick out and have visit your son from time to time. It doesn’t make me feel good about possibly dating you.

Harsh of me? Maybe. But I’m kind of the opinion after getting way too much info about your relationship that you either need to fix what you have or end the relationship. I get that he’s your best friend…my wife is mine, too…but if our relationship were as full of gaping sexual, emotional and ambition disconnects as yours, I would probably seek freedom rather than polyamory.

Conclusion

I think you’re cool. You got my reference to the movie “American Beauty” and you like a lot of the same shit I do in terms of film and television, or at least have complementary tastes. If we worked in the same office together, I’d probably have lunch with you pretty often. I’d probably hang with you outside of work at times. You’ve got an interesting life and you’re a talker. You’re literate and have some sense of culture. You like real coffee drinks and espresso joints. You have some kinky sexual proclivities.

But I kind of feel like you brought a lot of your personal life into our first meeting and not much of your charming and wooing potential. Which is pretty much the exact opposite of what a first meeting is supposed to be about. Sure, I want to know who you are, and I want to know about your life. Knowing you had sex with your boyfriend in the back of a car and got caught by the police, and knowing that your mother feared you might be a bit of a slut when you still lived at home…well, they’re a little heavy I think for a first-time meeting.

On the one hand, I feel like I should give you a second chance, in case you were just so thrilled to have a day off and a couple days of no kid around that you forgot you were trying to hook up with a married kinky guy apparently. On the other hand, this whole polyamory and kink exploration thing is making for very hot sex with my wife for nearly a month now (meaning I’m not frustrated) and my schedule probably isn’t going to mesh very often with yours anyway.

Plus, I just went to a swinging event and discovered that far from being an orgy scene, it is a great way to meet open-relationship-minded (or even potential polyamorous) people and make connections that could be friendships or more down the road. And at least I know the women there have guys who are OK with them being out with another guy, because said husbands, boyfriends, etc. are standing right there encouraging me to dance with their ladies and/or chat them up.

Yeah, that last paragraph was a tease for all of you folks reading this post. But I won’t be telling you about that little escapade that SepiaQueen and I embarked on, because she’s called dibs on telling that story. You’ll just have to stay tuned. (UPDATE: My wife’s post on our first experience around swingers is here)