Even Freaks Have Standards!

It’s been a couple of months now since Smokedawg and I have embraced our kinks, desires and passions and it’s been a crazy ride! Yet in recent days it’s become clear that the dust is starting to settle—no more all night sessions, which I suspect at our age is good. Turns out when you are middle age with kids, jobs and all that jazz the body just does not like to stay up all night more nights that not.

We initially started this journey because of my desire to frankly fuck someone else, yet it’s become more about exploring kinks. Who knew that I, a type -A control freak, frankly, would enjoy being told what to do and even being manhandled? I never knew that side of me existed (well, I suppose I had an inkling), but it turns out nothing makes me hotter than a smack, a hand on the throat and well you can imagine the rest. Frankly I am interested in seeing if Smokedawg might move up to taking the control out of the bedroom, though that might be a while coming.

Yet despite all the fabulous play, I have still longed to date and maybe…just maybe…have another partner, or at the least a friend with fabulous benefits. Well, considering by day I have a nice respectable job, I can’t just post on Facebook “hey now I am looking to date.” I think our family, friends and worse yet my colleagues would be none-too-pleased. So I did what any self-respecting freak would do; I took to the interwebz looking for  passion.

People, it’s a fucking zoo out there! Mind you I have not looked for a date since Bill Clinton was in office and back then we didn’t have this nifty interwebz, oh no…you went out and found your dates the old-fashioned way. Sure you met a lot of creepers but something about having the initial interactions take place face-to-face meant you didn’t waste copious amounts of time emailing only to realize—fuck!—this person is a creeper.

So in my search for a potential new mate I signed up at sites like OK Cupid and Plentyoffish which I had been told were very poly-friendly. They may be, but clearly many of the humans there are short on reading comprehension skills based off the sheer volume of men trying to step out on their wives. As someone who is attempting to practice ethical non-monogamy, the idea of being with someone who is lying to their primary partner is a huge turn-off for me. Yeah, even us freaks have morals. Sorry, no, you married men, I have no desire to have someone’s wife tracking me down.

Next up, the folks who somehow equate being poly with being someone who is looking for hookups. Men, one-line sentences that mention sex are a great way to assure the only touch you will be feeling is that of your right hand massaging your penis. I don’t know you and no I don’t want to meet the first time to fuck you. If I had wanted that, gee I would be on Craigslist, plain and simple.

But my last pet peeve that has me almost reconsidering the poly approach is fellow poly folks who seem way too eager to become an instant relationship. Look, 15 to 16 shared messages does not mean I feel deep attraction to you, hell it means nothing only that the potential exists to perhaps meet one day. I know it’s hard out here for us poly folks but when you start telling me how giddy you are to meet me and start making plans for “us” well I start having flashbacks to Fatal Attraction and the pink flag suddenly turns a deep shade of red. One thing I have noticed in months of reading online is how so many poly folks end up in sad-sack situations, I think this is because it seems like once you take the step to actively be poly, there is a rush to secure another relationship. But why? Seriously, there is no rush, at least for me. I know that if and when I add another partner, there needs to be a deep connection and considering that I still am happily married to Smokedawg, I am not going to be rushing to do anything that jeopardizes that relationship and our family. So when I meet someone who seems overly needy, that signals to me that not all people who chose a poly path are coming at it from an emotionally healthy place.

For me, I don’t need a second partner, the one I have is perfectly fine and while I would like another one, if it doesn’t happen it’s not the end of the world. I hate to say this but I almost find myself thinking swingers seem more emotionally healthy than the poly folks I have met. I have also found myself wondering do other poly couples not talk about their dating with each other and give each other advice and tips? Seriously, if Smokedawg ever approached any woman the way I have been approached I would be mortified and frankly be reevaluating our relationship.

So look fellow freaks, kinksters and other sexually open-minded people, please don’t equate others willing to be sexually open and liberated as meaning we check our values and morals at the door because this kinkster most certainly does not!

 

Checking Out the “Swing Set”

On some level I have always know who and what I am yet it’s taken almost 20 years to actually speak those words aloud not only to myself but to my partner. I knew after my first threesome that I wanted more yet my social conditioning made me feel shame at wanting something that others deems unacceptable. It didn’t help that after what, to this day, is up there with one of my all-time favorite sexual experiences—my then-husband looked at me after the fact like I was a two-headed freak of nature and accused me of all sorts of things which at a later date I will cover, probably in my “SepiaQueen’s Journey to Freakdom” series.

Yet the truth of who I am had been slowly rising to the surface and causing deep ripples of unhappiness in me. So much so that a couple of months ago I told Smokedawg, aka my life partner and husband, that maybe we should split up. Oh, I knew he was a kinky bastard yet I also knew deep down he was a “good” boy and while we had always maintained a policy that if one of us ever had an “oops” and slept with someone else it would not be the end of our marriage as long as we were honest about it. For Smokedawg, he had always been willing to concede that what I need sexually might be to frankly get the shit fucked out of me by someone else on an every-now-and-then basis. But the fact is despite the fact we said those words, in almost 14 years of marriage I never felt as if I could really act on those feelings. After all often when he said this, his voice hardened and there was a sense of “don’t push me,” so I never brought it up until…

Last month after a night of relaxing over a bottle of wine, I can’t remember how I brought it up but I posed the idea of us having sex with others as a couple. In other words: Swinging. Mind you, this came on the heels of us just trying to figure out what it was that was making me want to end our marriage. I am not sure why I felt I could bring this up at that time but I knew we were in a better place than we had been and besides when sipping a relaxing glass of Merlot I figured worse case he would say “no,” I would laugh and blame it on the wine.

Imagine my surprise when he said “why not?” I will spare you all the chatter but I will say that once it was clear I had the green light for us to explore immediately I went into research mode and found sites that catered to swingers. I also quickly discovered that they felt a tad skeevy but I learned there were so-called lifestyle events, more like private parties that catered to folks interested in swinging. You have no idea how happy and surprised I was to discover one monthly event that was only 30 minutes from our little city. It was 3.5 weeks until the next event and I immediately filled out the application to attend, paid and we received confirmation.

Boy oh boy, we were going to actually do this! All month we were thinking about this, feeling giddy about taking this step; however, in true research mode I had already moved on from swinging to thinking maybe that was a tad much and that maybe we should look into polyamrory, since after many late night talks we both admitted that the idea of having sex with people we didn’t know might be strange. Furthermore we wanted deeper connections and while our love and family is solid we are also open to loving others.

Goodness all this research was making my mind weary and the closer we got to event night I started feeling unsettled, asking myself “are we really going to do this?” In fact Saturday came and I was still wondering if perhaps we should just take advantage of having a sitter and go see a movie rather than check out this party. In the end curiosity got the better of me and we ended up going. On the drive there my heart was beating, the actual event was being held at an inn that was made available to the group for the night, it was in a classy town. Yet the closer we got to the event, I almost felt like I was about to puke my guts up. Oh boy!

Well we parked the car, and walked in and on first glance it was seemingly very normal. Immediately we were greeted by a very young and attractive couple who were the organizers. I can assure you in a line-up if someone asked you to pick out the swingers these two would really be least likely to be considered. After a few minutes of talking they explained things were running a little behind due to a scheduling snafu with the inn but showed us to the food (my heaven, even the food was normal) and then showed us to the hospitality room upstairs. Uh? Hospitality room upstairs and “oh shit what have I gotten myself into?” ran through my head.

Turns out yes the hospitality room is where action can and did happen later in the evening but when we entered there were simply other couples chatting like ole friends, some getting dressed or shall I say partially undressed (it was a stripper theme that night, and a couple women were wearing next to nothing and putting on pasties) and they were all looking really normal. We were introduced to the group and immediately we received a warm welcome and almost instantly most of my nervousness went away. Again these people looked really normal I am talking like professors and nurses—not a soul looked like an aging porn start from the 70’s, which is what I thought we might encounter.

After about 20 minutes of small talk, the event officially begins and  imagine my surprise when a half hour into the festivities, I go to grab a snack and run into an acquaintance of mine: a very professional, very educated person I have known almost 5 years now. Our eyes lock and I immediately went into “oh shit” mode! We continued the eye lock and just eventually laughed and greeted each other, turns out he and his girlfriend have been in the lifestyle a while, and Smokedawg and I end up spending a fair amount of time hanging out with them. Turns out knowing someone who knows the ropes is useful.

As the night progressed both Smokedawg and I relaxed, we chatted with many people eventually danced with others, which for Smokedawg—who has two left feet—is a big deal. Granted, this was more bumping and grinding so he managed well. We even met another person we didn’t know but with whom I share a friend in common…good gravy this world is small! Granted it was also her first time and she continued to look nervous all night.

While we did not have any sexual contact with others we considered the night a success. I actually got on the stripper poll and danced with another gal. Mind you I stayed fully clothed but Smokedawg told me it was still sexy as hell. I even snagged a dance towards the end of the night with the uber-sexy DJ who very gently guided me to massage his chest…all the while Smokedawg watched on and I watched him to make sure he was cool. As he told me, yes he was very cool watching me with the DJ, actually made him a tad warm.

In the end, we went to a party where yes some people were scantily clad, and yes some people had sex (oh we did peek in on that….can you say hawt! Five people when we went in: a couple going at it on one end of the bed and a man and two women licking and fingering each other on the other end of it.) but we drank, talked, flirted with others and went home to some hot sex the following morning between us. We are pretty sure we will be back again, if nothing else such an event served to warm us up even without others involved with us in the sexy action.

 

SepiaQueen Gets Freaky, Part 1

Just the act of writing this feels strange but fuck it here goes. Where to start? In some ways this story started about 19 years ago, I was married to my first husband; we were young, dumb and thought we were in love. Looking back I am convinced the only reason I married my first husband is that he was the first person I ever had an orgasm with, plain and simple. The power of release was confused with love and by the time I realized that the two should never be confused, it was too late. We were married and expecting our first child, so in my young mind leaving wasn’t an option.

Fast forward another year and it was pretty clear we were not compatible except in the bedroom, by this point we had shared our sexual fantasies and desires and the one thing I deeply wanted was to experience sex with another woman. Well my first husband wasn’t down with letting me go out and have that experience but he was oh so gracious in that if I found a woman he found suitable, we could have a three-way. Gee, how generous! Yet I was still young and felt that he was being nice to allow me what at that time I saw as a deviant act (oh, I didn’t tell ya, I am the daughter of an Evangelical preacher!) and as scared as I was that my soul would be hell bound if I touched a woman, my flesh desired it in a way that said hell be damned!

Luck would have it that my best friend at the time was leaving her ole man and needed a place to stay, so we agreed to let her stay with us for a few days while she figured out her next steps. Bad girl that I am, I was already plotting that maybe just maybe this might be my chance to experience the flesh of another woman. See, I met my then husband because he and my best friend were friends. I knew he found her attractive enough, the only thing I didn’t know was whether or not she would be down.

Late the next night after drinking some wine, I casually asked my girl if she ever thought about having sex with another girl. She gave me a look that said have you lost your fucking mind? But her words said why? At this point we had been friends well over 10 years, so I laid it out that the man and I wanted a three-way and would love it if she would consider. The next few hours are a blur, there was a lot of talk, a lot more wine and eventually she tentatively said yes. At that point I moved like my life depended on it and in many ways maybe it did.

We quickly moved to our bedroom and laid down, how things started are a blur after all these years but some things from that night have stayed with me almost 20 years. Tentative soft kisses were shared by all of us, I remember kissing my girl’s full lips and feeling like heaven, so soft…oh so soft. I felt my own heat rise up in a way that still makes me stop when I remember. After what seemed like an eternity the kisses turned into caresses, both of them laid me down where my then husband kissed and stroked my breasts while my girl started kissing and licking my belly. Eventually parting my legs, I felt the soft but strong flicker of her tongue lapping against my clit, sucking my clit, oh the moans that escaped my mouth. Moans that were silenced by my husband putting his cock in my mouth where I sucked him off while she continued to feast on my scared area as if it were a most exquisite meal.

Somewhere along the line they changed places and she fed me her high full breasts while my husband rode me life a wild mare. It was truly heaven on earth; I remember my heart thumping wildly while competing thoughts filled my mind. Thoughts of how perfect this feeling was and thoughts of how wicked this act was, how my soul was in jeopardy. I was so scared yet riding that wave of sheer pleasure I didn’t want to get off and it only got better. At one point, my girl moved downward and somehow while my husband rode me she wiggled in between his legs and licked his penis and my clit…both my husband I moaned as if we had no cares in the world. Heaven and earth was truly between my thighs that night. Little did I know at that point the night would only get better.

Eventually my husband got off me and we laid my girl down and he spread her legs and entered her; silly kids we were, we did not use protection, still dripping with my juices he inserted himself in her and she moaned. I went to her mouth and passionately kissed her, tasting my juices on her, I later went down to my husband caressed his ass as he rode her, taking in the scene of watching him enjoy our friend. I felt no jealousy, instead finding myself turned on to watching him so fully enjoy her. He came, squirted a full load in her and rolled off and truly the best was last. As he rolled off of her to catch his breath, I went over to her and started sucking and licking her breasts, I eventually made my way down to dine at the Y. I was tentative as I had never seen another woman’s kitty, it was hairy (hey this was back before going bare was the norm for average women) I tentatively spread her lips and remember thinking she smells different than a man but it was good, it was a smell that drew me in, my senses were heightened. I wanted to touch, lick and just smell her knowing she too had never been with a woman I didn’t want to appear scared so I dived in. Rubbing my nose all over her hair, eventually opening her moist folds, and started darting my tongue in and out, eventually sucking on her clit, playing with how much pressure to apply. She moaned and started moving and I knew I was in business. I spent a good hour in her pussy, lapping up my husband’s spunk and eventually lapping up her juices.

She stayed in our bed that night and the next morning, I woke up with several thoughts, I have to do this again and wondering about the state of my soul. As I lay in bed while everyone else slept, I truly felt conflicted in the worse way; little did I know that night would indeed change things in every way possible.

Stay tuned for the next installment of SepiaQueen’s journey to freakdom.