Passion from Out of the Ashes

Been slow around here again, I know (sorry!) but if you don’t mind stepping away from here briefly, you can read the article I wrote for EdenCafe of how my marriage almost crumbled very recently…and then how it rose from a place of hopelessness to be something much more open, much more kinky, and much stronger. Find out what SepiaQueen and I did, and why, right here:

“Opening Day” for Sexual Liberation

 

EdenCafe Article: The Post-Slattern Era

Yeah, my first article for EdenCafe was on the term “slut-shaming,” and now I return to things slutty with musings about the word “slut” itself. In my opinion, it serves a purpose, so let’s not try to flip the definition of it on its head. Read more here.

 

Toying Around

I’ve written a review of some toys I used on my wife while reviewing a bondage product.

View it by clicking here. There is also a link at the top of the review to lead you back to my review of the bondage fantasy kit that kept her (mostly) still while I “toyed around.”

 

Even Freaks Have Standards!

It’s been a couple of months now since Smokedawg and I have embraced our kinks, desires and passions and it’s been a crazy ride! Yet in recent days it’s become clear that the dust is starting to settle—no more all night sessions, which I suspect at our age is good. Turns out when you are middle age with kids, jobs and all that jazz the body just does not like to stay up all night more nights that not.

We initially started this journey because of my desire to frankly fuck someone else, yet it’s become more about exploring kinks. Who knew that I, a type -A control freak, frankly, would enjoy being told what to do and even being manhandled? I never knew that side of me existed (well, I suppose I had an inkling), but it turns out nothing makes me hotter than a smack, a hand on the throat and well you can imagine the rest. Frankly I am interested in seeing if Smokedawg might move up to taking the control out of the bedroom, though that might be a while coming.

Yet despite all the fabulous play, I have still longed to date and maybe…just maybe…have another partner, or at the least a friend with fabulous benefits. Well, considering by day I have a nice respectable job, I can’t just post on Facebook “hey now I am looking to date.” I think our family, friends and worse yet my colleagues would be none-too-pleased. So I did what any self-respecting freak would do; I took to the interwebz looking for  passion.

People, it’s a fucking zoo out there! Mind you I have not looked for a date since Bill Clinton was in office and back then we didn’t have this nifty interwebz, oh no…you went out and found your dates the old-fashioned way. Sure you met a lot of creepers but something about having the initial interactions take place face-to-face meant you didn’t waste copious amounts of time emailing only to realize—fuck!—this person is a creeper.

So in my search for a potential new mate I signed up at sites like OK Cupid and Plentyoffish which I had been told were very poly-friendly. They may be, but clearly many of the humans there are short on reading comprehension skills based off the sheer volume of men trying to step out on their wives. As someone who is attempting to practice ethical non-monogamy, the idea of being with someone who is lying to their primary partner is a huge turn-off for me. Yeah, even us freaks have morals. Sorry, no, you married men, I have no desire to have someone’s wife tracking me down.

Next up, the folks who somehow equate being poly with being someone who is looking for hookups. Men, one-line sentences that mention sex are a great way to assure the only touch you will be feeling is that of your right hand massaging your penis. I don’t know you and no I don’t want to meet the first time to fuck you. If I had wanted that, gee I would be on Craigslist, plain and simple.

But my last pet peeve that has me almost reconsidering the poly approach is fellow poly folks who seem way too eager to become an instant relationship. Look, 15 to 16 shared messages does not mean I feel deep attraction to you, hell it means nothing only that the potential exists to perhaps meet one day. I know it’s hard out here for us poly folks but when you start telling me how giddy you are to meet me and start making plans for “us” well I start having flashbacks to Fatal Attraction and the pink flag suddenly turns a deep shade of red. One thing I have noticed in months of reading online is how so many poly folks end up in sad-sack situations, I think this is because it seems like once you take the step to actively be poly, there is a rush to secure another relationship. But why? Seriously, there is no rush, at least for me. I know that if and when I add another partner, there needs to be a deep connection and considering that I still am happily married to Smokedawg, I am not going to be rushing to do anything that jeopardizes that relationship and our family. So when I meet someone who seems overly needy, that signals to me that not all people who chose a poly path are coming at it from an emotionally healthy place.

For me, I don’t need a second partner, the one I have is perfectly fine and while I would like another one, if it doesn’t happen it’s not the end of the world. I hate to say this but I almost find myself thinking swingers seem more emotionally healthy than the poly folks I have met. I have also found myself wondering do other poly couples not talk about their dating with each other and give each other advice and tips? Seriously, if Smokedawg ever approached any woman the way I have been approached I would be mortified and frankly be reevaluating our relationship.

So look fellow freaks, kinksters and other sexually open-minded people, please don’t equate others willing to be sexually open and liberated as meaning we check our values and morals at the door because this kinkster most certainly does not!

 

New EdenCafe Article: So Many Labels, So Little Consensus

Some of my previous articles for EdenCafe were a bit heavy, I admit. Not without humor, but still covering some serious and controversial topics at times. This time, something a bit more self-exploratory in a light way, looking at how to present who I am in a confusing world of so many sexual identities.

The article is “So Many Labels, So Little Consensus” and it’s right here.

Hope you enjoy it, and please don’t hesitate to comment.

 

EdenCafe Article: Born That Way? Say It Ain’t So!

So, my third article for EdenCafe is now up, and it’s titled “Born that Way? Please Say It Ain’t So!”

You can check it out by clicking here and see what I have to say on the implications (most of them bad in my opinion) if we were to find that things like being gay, lesbian, kinky, transgender and so on are genetic.

 

A Firmer Hand

Even before SepiaQueen and I embarked on this seemingly out-of-the-blue decision to open up our marriage, I knew my wife had needs that weren’t being met. Some of those needs were only vaguely expressed and seemed not to be critical. She had expressed a passing interest from time to time about watersports (of the golden-hued variety), she had expressed an interest in a three-way with me and another guy (something we never knew how to make happen, living in an area with a small enough population that it might get back to people with whom she had to work and who were conservative religious types), and she liked the occasional foodplay and light bondage (interests I shared and we indulged every once in a while).

I never liked that she had to put many of her sexual interests on hold. Although it was several years into our marriage that I admitted my smoking fetish to her, it was a kink that she was able to make happen for me. Rarely, but she could make it happen. She’s been a smoker most of her life and most of our marriage (a couple reasonably long-term quittings aside). It wasn’t something that other people might find out about or that would matter to them all that much if they did. But I always felt guilty that even though my fetish didn’t get met often for a long while, it did get some play.

I knew the guy-on-guy thing was important to her. The inability to make that happen may have been, in some small part, why my fetish didn’t get met except on special occasions, and I can’t say I blame her. I don’t think it was a conscious thing, but perhaps deep down, she rationed the satisfaction of my fetish because she knew hers wasn’t likely going to come to fruition.

So, when she brought up the idea of polyamory, and we began to look into that, and also to weigh the relative merits of swinging, which is related to being poly but not precisely the same, I was very happy. Finding a person could still be a challenge, but once we came to that agreement that we would open our marriage, SepiaQueen and I began to explore sites and blogs related to the poly and swinging lifestyles. We finally had a way to connect with people who could one day make her kinky desire a reality. That was a huge burden off both our shoulders. I haven’t been with a guy and her yet, but I am certain it will happen, and I’m glad for her sake and for my conscience. She’s even developed a curiosity about cuckolding with her deeper research into kink and online discussions with folks, so that could be interesting too.

That’s a long introduction to the point of this post, which is to talk about dominance. Male dominance specifically. More to the point, finding out how important that was to her as well, and how I could make that a reality for her as well.

There had been a couple times she had asked me to talk dirty to her during sex and take on a dominant role. That was never something that panned out all that well. I’m a “nice guy.” Calling a woman dirty names and being a little rough with her isn’t something that came naturally. So I didn’t do a very good job of it, and she didn’t ask me to try after a few lukewarm experiences with such roleplay.

Thank goodness for life giving second chances…

You see, with the opening of our marriage has come a veritable floodgate of sex (it’s tapered off a bit recently, but that probably won’t last). Even though we haven’t explored poly or swinging much yet, and haven’t actually had sex with anyone else, this journey has apparently thrown on all the kink switches. SepiaQueen and I have explored some kinks that we never did before (nipple clamping and golden showers, for example). Kinks we had explored before we are delving into with more gusto (including both of us becoming more enamored of the other’s kinks, both old and new). And I’m feeling more comfortable not only asking for what I need or initiating it, but also in taking on roles that made me uneasy before.

My wife, mere weeks ago, asked me to slap her around a bit. Oh, not the give-a-black-eye kind of hitting. Nor the leave-angry-and-vicious-red-welts-on-ass-thighs-and-back kind either. But my wife asked me to get a bit rougher with her, and cause her some pain, and use humiliating language, and take charge. Even to grab her by the throat and squeeze a little (though we’re not going for asphyxiation or physical damage).

It’s been eye-opening, to say the least. First off, I’ve taken to the role more easily than I would have thought. It’s not something that I expect to develop a strong taste for, though. If SepiaQueen wants to be dominated all the time by a guy, it’s going to have to be a guy other than me. I’m finding more comfort in the idea of me being the dom to her sub or the master to her slave, but it’s not something that fits me day-to-day. I’m not interested in a personality change this late in life and it would be too much work even if I were.

But I understand the need that my wife has. Much like businessmen who pay good money to have a domme crack the whip on them (often literally), my wife needs to let go and be told what to do at times. She’s been in control so much in life, and needing to be in charge…and her job requires her to lead…and being submissive is an escape from all that. But just as I can’t make myself a full-time dominant around the house, neither can I see her changing to become a meek submissive all the time when we’re at home. Just not who we are.

I do notice, however, it has helped me become more assertive during sex. I’ve generally been on top and usually in control of the lovemaking, because that’s how SepiaQueen prefers it (unless we’re in 69, when things are pretty equal) but I’ve always been gentle and often deferred to her. But recently, after making her come during some good fucking, I realized I wanted to get off, and we weren’t using any kind of birth control. So I pulled out and jacked off for a few moments until I came all over her belly. That may sound vanilla to many of you, but it’s something I wouldn’t have done before. I might have asked her, or perhaps casually started playing with her ass and sliding up between her cheeks to see if she’d be willing to let me come on her ass…or I would have gone without coming and jacked off later.

But to simply make the decision that I was going to come in a messy fashion on her without preamble or warning was something new, and something SepiaQueen commented on with a certain sense of pleasure and satisfaction. She recognized it as an assertive offshoot of our dominance and submission play even before I did.

In any case, I am enjoying being the dominant and being rough as an occasional change in our playtime roles, and looking forward to taking charge and taking SepiaQueen to some places she hasn’t gone before and may need to be ordered to in order to explore them. Should be interesting. I find that when our roles go into dominance and submission, with me in the “D” role and her in the “s” role of D/s, I get hot. It’s work, and it distracts me sometimes to adopt a new personality, but it also makes me feel good.

Not the dominance itself. It’s not the power itself that I crave or that moves me. Part of it is the ability to leave my normal skin and become someone else, which can often be fun.

But mostly, it’s hearing SepiaQueen’s moans and seeing how hot she gets when a firm hand takes hold of her.

 

EdenCafe Article: Of Prurience, Pretension and Prudishness

My second article for EdenCafe is now up, and explores the ways in which some people’s desires to judge others, elevate themselves and basically sometimes be total douchebags ruins what should be a sense of community and fulfillment in the world kink and non-mainstream sexual choices.

To read “Of Prurience, Pretension and Prudishness” click here.

 

Thoughts on “Slut-shaming” at EdenCafe

it’s finally up…my first article for EdenCafe, meaning it’s the first time I’ve been paid to discuss sex in anything other than a medical/healthcare mode.

The article is titled:
Let’s Take the “Slut” Out of Slut-shaming Before We Hurt Those We Seek to Protect
…and you can click here to read it.

 

Getting a Bit Anal

My first review for Eden Fantasys was on an anal vibrator, and marks my first serious solo foray into my ass.

You can read the original review here, on the Spectra Gel Beaded Anal Vibrator (at my Better With Smoke blog), then link to a bonus “From the Toy Chest” follow-up review at the end of it.

If you already read the main review at Better With Smoke, you can get straight to the “From the Toy Chest” follow-up review by going here.