A Firmer Hand

Even before SepiaQueen and I embarked on this seemingly out-of-the-blue decision to open up our marriage, I knew my wife had needs that weren’t being met. Some of those needs were only vaguely expressed and seemed not to be critical. She had expressed a passing interest from time to time about watersports (of the golden-hued variety), she had expressed an interest in a three-way with me and another guy (something we never knew how to make happen, living in an area with a small enough population that it might get back to people with whom she had to work and who were conservative religious types), and she liked the occasional foodplay and light bondage (interests I shared and we indulged every once in a while).

I never liked that she had to put many of her sexual interests on hold. Although it was several years into our marriage that I admitted my smoking fetish to her, it was a kink that she was able to make happen for me. Rarely, but she could make it happen. She’s been a smoker most of her life and most of our marriage (a couple reasonably long-term quittings aside). It wasn’t something that other people might find out about or that would matter to them all that much if they did. But I always felt guilty that even though my fetish didn’t get met often for a long while, it did get some play.

I knew the guy-on-guy thing was important to her. The inability to make that happen may have been, in some small part, why my fetish didn’t get met except on special occasions, and I can’t say I blame her. I don’t think it was a conscious thing, but perhaps deep down, she rationed the satisfaction of my fetish because she knew hers wasn’t likely going to come to fruition.

So, when she brought up the idea of polyamory, and we began to look into that, and also to weigh the relative merits of swinging, which is related to being poly but not precisely the same, I was very happy. Finding a person could still be a challenge, but once we came to that agreement that we would open our marriage, SepiaQueen and I began to explore sites and blogs related to the poly and swinging lifestyles. We finally had a way to connect with people who could one day make her kinky desire a reality. That was a huge burden off both our shoulders. I haven’t been with a guy and her yet, but I am certain it will happen, and I’m glad for her sake and for my conscience. She’s even developed a curiosity about cuckolding with her deeper research into kink and online discussions with folks, so that could be interesting too.

That’s a long introduction to the point of this post, which is to talk about dominance. Male dominance specifically. More to the point, finding out how important that was to her as well, and how I could make that a reality for her as well.

There had been a couple times she had asked me to talk dirty to her during sex and take on a dominant role. That was never something that panned out all that well. I’m a “nice guy.” Calling a woman dirty names and being a little rough with her isn’t something that came naturally. So I didn’t do a very good job of it, and she didn’t ask me to try after a few lukewarm experiences with such roleplay.

Thank goodness for life giving second chances…

You see, with the opening of our marriage has come a veritable floodgate of sex (it’s tapered off a bit recently, but that probably won’t last). Even though we haven’t explored poly or swinging much yet, and haven’t actually had sex with anyone else, this journey has apparently thrown on all the kink switches. SepiaQueen and I have explored some kinks that we never did before (nipple clamping and golden showers, for example). Kinks we had explored before we are delving into with more gusto (including both of us becoming more enamored of the other’s kinks, both old and new). And I’m feeling more comfortable not only asking for what I need or initiating it, but also in taking on roles that made me uneasy before.

My wife, mere weeks ago, asked me to slap her around a bit. Oh, not the give-a-black-eye kind of hitting. Nor the leave-angry-and-vicious-red-welts-on-ass-thighs-and-back kind either. But my wife asked me to get a bit rougher with her, and cause her some pain, and use humiliating language, and take charge. Even to grab her by the throat and squeeze a little (though we’re not going for asphyxiation or physical damage).

It’s been eye-opening, to say the least. First off, I’ve taken to the role more easily than I would have thought. It’s not something that I expect to develop a strong taste for, though. If SepiaQueen wants to be dominated all the time by a guy, it’s going to have to be a guy other than me. I’m finding more comfort in the idea of me being the dom to her sub or the master to her slave, but it’s not something that fits me day-to-day. I’m not interested in a personality change this late in life and it would be too much work even if I were.

But I understand the need that my wife has. Much like businessmen who pay good money to have a domme crack the whip on them (often literally), my wife needs to let go and be told what to do at times. She’s been in control so much in life, and needing to be in charge…and her job requires her to lead…and being submissive is an escape from all that. But just as I can’t make myself a full-time dominant around the house, neither can I see her changing to become a meek submissive all the time when we’re at home. Just not who we are.

I do notice, however, it has helped me become more assertive during sex. I’ve generally been on top and usually in control of the lovemaking, because that’s how SepiaQueen prefers it (unless we’re in 69, when things are pretty equal) but I’ve always been gentle and often deferred to her. But recently, after making her come during some good fucking, I realized I wanted to get off, and we weren’t using any kind of birth control. So I pulled out and jacked off for a few moments until I came all over her belly. That may sound vanilla to many of you, but it’s something I wouldn’t have done before. I might have asked her, or perhaps casually started playing with her ass and sliding up between her cheeks to see if she’d be willing to let me come on her ass…or I would have gone without coming and jacked off later.

But to simply make the decision that I was going to come in a messy fashion on her without preamble or warning was something new, and something SepiaQueen commented on with a certain sense of pleasure and satisfaction. She recognized it as an assertive offshoot of our dominance and submission play even before I did.

In any case, I am enjoying being the dominant and being rough as an occasional change in our playtime roles, and looking forward to taking charge and taking SepiaQueen to some places she hasn’t gone before and may need to be ordered to in order to explore them. Should be interesting. I find that when our roles go into dominance and submission, with me in the “D” role and her in the “s” role of D/s, I get hot. It’s work, and it distracts me sometimes to adopt a new personality, but it also makes me feel good.

Not the dominance itself. It’s not the power itself that I crave or that moves me. Part of it is the ability to leave my normal skin and become someone else, which can often be fun.

But mostly, it’s hearing SepiaQueen’s moans and seeing how hot she gets when a firm hand takes hold of her.